The desire to love and be of service to others, especially those who have caused us harm or suffering, is perhaps the noblest expression of the virtue of charity to which Christ calls all those who wish to follow Him.
We see this played out each day in the most fundamental of human relationships. Parents assisting children who have fallen into patterns of self-destructive behavior. Spouses who sacrifice their personal well-being to help their partners solve intensely personal problems. Friends who want to help each other in all aspects of their relationship.
This is the highest calling of the spiritual life: to love others as the Father has loved us. Never to turn away because of the repeated failures of those we love.
There comes a time, however, when this noble impulse can degenerate from being the helping hand assisting people to accomplish what they cannot do by themselves to become a perpetuation of the very difficulties they cannot seem to overcome.
This type of “enabling” or “empowerment” prohibits people from taking personal responsibilities for their lives. A parent who allows a child to be absent because he or she hasn’t prepared a lesson or studied for a test enables such irresponsibility. The spouse who makes constant excuses for the drunkeness or abuse of a partner empowers that behavior. The friend who provides assistance to the addict so “he won’t be out on the street” perpetuates the friend’s addiction.
It can be a fine line between helping and enabling.
Psychologists refers to those who habitually enable dysfunctional behavior as “co-dependent”. For oftentimes an enabler’s self-esteem is dependent on his or her ability and willingness to “help” in inappropriate ways. This “help” allows the enabler to feel in control of an unmanageable situation. The reality, though, is that enabling not only doesn’t help, but it actively causes harm and makes the situation worse.
By stepping in to “solve” the addict’s problems, the enabler takes away any motivation for the addict to take responsibility for his or her own actions. Without that motivation, there is little reason for the addict to change. Enablers help people in difficulty dig themselves deeper into trouble.
It can be a fine line between helping and enabling.
As I hear Pope Francis call us, in the spirit of charity, to “accompany” those whose moral lives are shattered or in ruins, I wonder whether or not the Holy Father’s “art of accompaniment” is not leading the Church to into the trap of becoming enablers of morally self-destructive behaviors.
What constitutes empowerment? How does enabling manifest itself?
Again, psychologists provide us with some rather clear indicators.
Enablers often ignore unacceptable behaviors or assign blame for a person’s problems to others peoples, to circumstances or situations rather than assign responsibility for the problem to the one who has chosen to act in a manner which causes personal harm.
Enablers often take upon themselves the responsibility for the failures of the other person, offering apology after apology for not being kind enough, or understanding enough. Enablers are most fearful that, should they confront the other with the reality of the harmfulness of his or her behavior, they will force the other to leave them.
I wonder whether or not Francis’ call to practice the “art of accompaniment” isn’t vulnerable to become the “art of empowerment”..
I wonder at what point does this accompaniment of a person in moral difficulty become acquiescence to that difficulty.
I wonder at what point in time Pope Francis believes it might be necessary to confront those in difficulty with the truth, with the reality of their irresponsible behavior and call them to accept accountability for their lives.
If no such point in time exists for Francis in his “art of accompaniment”, one must wonder if the Holy Father is not just helping the people he is calling us to love really dig their own graves.
What thinkest you?
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